So today I decided to head to Second Cup, (side note; it’s like a Starbucks but it’s Canadian), I could have stayed home to write but felt like being somewhere else ….
As I was walking to the coffee shop from the parking lot, my mind was travelling. Two years ago, you would have never seen me walking downtown by my lonesome, especially not to go to a coffee shop by myself. I was way to shy and felt like everyone was talking about me as I would be walking…(It could have been all in my head but I doubt it) I was used to having people look at me and whisper. I pretended like I did not hear them or pretended like I did not see their stares but I knew what was happening.
People can’t imagine what it’s like to live in the skin of someone who has been overweight all their life unless you yourself have lived it. The weight loss has changed my life greatly, physically I am a different person, that is a fact! I am stronger, I am healthier BUT mentally I am damaged! I am broken! Not many understand, when I try to express how I feel, I just get a “Oh c’mon you look amazing what are you complaining about, get over it!” Those words are like a knife cutting deep in my heart!! Let me try to explain this as simple as I can.
Losing weight is physical,YES! but it is extremely psychological as well, I would say it is mostly mental, because your body is capable of a lot, it is our minds that need convincing. With that being said, when you have been the fat girl all your life, it is simply impossible to change your way of thinking overnight. I thought that me losing weight would fix how I feel about myself, I thought that perhaps the pain I felt every time someone whispered something about me would go away, I thought that my anxiety when walking into a crowd full of people would disappear, I thought that maybe my anger towards men would fade away, because now I am what society deems, acceptable, the ”norm”, but OH WAS I WRONG! I could have not been more wrong.
I have said many times before that losing all this weight has affected my skin, I used to have huge arms (22 inch to be exact) so now I have lots of skin hanging from them, I’ve actually built up the courage to post a picture not too long ago on my instagram account (Supathick2Supafit) but I NEVER ever show them, you will never catch me with my arms exposed. My abdomen has also skin, my thighs are a freaking disaster, and um my breast will they are non existent.
Yes the skin affects me greatly, yes it stops me from meeting men as I am scared of being rejected, yes I am afraid of being judged BUT my fears are not just about the skin. Me being broken is not just about the way my body looks naked, IT’S so much more than that! It’s all the years of being made fun of that have affected me, it’s all the anxiety I used to have because I had fears of not fitting in a chair if I went out with a friend, it’s the hurt I felt because I thought I was never good enough to have someone to love me and YES I still feel this way … that is the sad part, losing weight does not remove the suffering, it does not remove your past, it is still there and it will stay with you for the rest of your life BUT there is hope!!
Not long ago, I decided to have a session with a psychologist, someone neutral, someone who did not me or my story. I wanted to see if I could get some advice, I was desperate, I was tired of always feeling sad or anger. I discovered a few things but mostly it was all the things that I already knew, I knew this was somewhat part of the journey, I just never expected it to be such a difficult process. She made me understand that it was normal for me to feel this way, that it will take a long while before I get used to my new body, that all this was completely normal but how do I get over these feelings ???
I still don’t have an answer! I think it will stay with me forever and I am hopeful that slowly my fears will fade away. I don’t want my past to be erased as without it I would not be the person I am today. I feel that sharing my stories with you, that it will help me heal. I also hope that it can help you grow. I know that for me personally reading others memories and stories helps. It makes me feel like I am not alone, that others are living the same things I am.
On that note I will call this wrap for today!
Write again soon